I’m reminded in this season the importance of slowing down. Typically, I have a hard time taking it slow, as it’s always been in my nature to keep my day filled with people, projects, and ministry. I enjoy the feeling of being productive, and if I am being honest, my “filled-up” days have been a welcomed source of distraction since Steven’s passing. The grief of death along with the fears and aches of widowhood are daily unwelcomed sources of pain, so anything that offers reprieve is a great temptation. As Steven’s widow, I understand the sting of his absence will never go away just as my love for him will never go away. Therefore, the tears still come, and although my grief is definitely more managable than it once was (thanks to the Lord’s strength and grace), I am still learning the importance of integrating it into my life instead of avoiding it. In my weakness, I have found myself allowing fast and full days to distract me from the symptoms of grief, not realizing it may also be distracting me from something more . . . my healing, and more importantly, from the Healer Himself.

You see, widowhood shifts and changes just as the seasons do. There will always be aches and pains (old and new), and yet, I’ve followed the Lord long enough to know that the relief my heart is searching for can only be found in Him. When I cave into the tempation of prioritizing my to-do list and filling up my calendar, I find that I also fall prey to the temptation of despair. It’s only in the slowing down that I am able to choose a pace that aligns with Jesus . . . a pace that holds space for His presence, a pace of rest, and a pace able to find hope and purpose after loss. 

Forever trusting Him,

In July, I had the opportunity to travel back to Gallup, NM . . . my other home. I try to visit once or twice year if possible to spend time with my in-laws, friends, and former students. This visit was all encompassing as I got to witness two former students of Steven and I tie the knot. It was such a sweet ceremony, and I was able to connect with several other students and familiar faces which

 greatly filled my heart. I treasure the fact that I can stay in touch with my Gallup friends and family. 

Let’s just say, August is not my favorite month. I appreciate every day the Lord gives, but as August approaches, I begin to feel dread knowing Steven and Michael’s death anniversaries are just around the corner. My mind and body tends to remember each and every event leading up to those particular days as well as the devastation and sorrow that followed. It’s hard not to relive the trauma, but these dates force me to fix my eyes on Jesus. And, when I do, I am

able to grieve with hope by focusing on the life they lived here on the earth as well as the life they have with Him now. I try to remember that their death anniversaries are also the anniversary they were welcomed into glory, and how wonderful it is that I’ll get to see them again.

In August, Missionary Gospel Fellowship held their Annual Summer Conference. This was my second conference and I was looking forward to connecting/sharing meals with other missionaries as well as participating in the workshops/services, but like many other missionaries who experienced obstacles this year, I fell ill :( I was able to attend our Annual Business Meeting the first night, but had to forgo the rest of the conference. I was discouraged, but ultimately trusted God just had different plans. Let’s just say, I am looking forward to a redo next year!

In July, I had the opportunity to travel back to Gallup, NM . . . my other home. I try to visit once or twice year if possible to spend time with my in-laws, friends, and former students. This visit was all encompassing as I got to witness two former students of Steven and I tie the knot. It was such a sweet ceremony, and I was able to connect with several other students and familiar faces which greatly filled my heart. I treasure the fact that I can stay in touch with my Gallup friends and family. 

Let’s just say, August is not my favorite month. I appreciate every day the Lord gives, but as August approaches, I begin to feel dread knowing Steven and Michael’s death anniversaries are just around the corner. My mind and body tends to remember each and every event leading up to those particular days as well as the devastation and sorrow that followed. It’s hard not to relive the trauma, but these dates force me to fix my eyes on Jesus. And, when I do, I am able to grieve with hope by focusing on the life they lived here on the earth as well as the life they have with Him now. I try to remember that their death anniversaries are also the anniversary they were welcomed into glory, and how wonderful it is that I’ll get to see them again.